I found out what my son was watching

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Kindly, Feeding and Care.

Third grade is my son “Edgar’s” year. For the past few years, he has been in class with “Gus,” whom he made friends with at school. Gus is a distant relative on my husband’s side of the family who resides in the neighborhood. The kids go on play dates, and even though Gus can be a challenging child to deal with when he’s not feeling well (he throws tantrums easily, is very nervous, and has threatened to break up with Edgar if he doesn’t get his way), my husband and I decided it would be best to let things work themselves out. We believe that either Gus will grow up or Edgar will outgrow him. In response to Edgar’s frustration with Gus, we do discuss with him that every child is unique and that we should treat everyone with kindness because we have no idea what their circumstances are. However, we also reassure Edgar that we don’t have to spend our time with people who bring us down.

However, Edgar and “Kyle,” another classmate, visited Gus’s house after school recently. Despite the presence of Gus’s mother, Gus and Kyle turned on a scary movie that is not appropriate for young children and watched it for a long time. (Imagine: a guy selling his skin, a girl walking around like a possessed person with her head turned back, etc. all extremely realistic. I knew Kyle and Gus enjoyed horror because they talk about it, but I always thought it was more along the lines of Five Nights at Freddy’s (not my style, but still PG), not this, which is, in my opinion, terribly inappropriate for eight-year-old children by any parent’s standards. Now, I have a child at home who has been sleeping all or part of the last five nights in his bed with me; during the first two of those nights, he would scream if I even briefly left the room. What should I do next?

My spouse believes that we ought to sever our friendship with Gus outside of school considering the other problems. That seems like we would be punishing Edgar for telling us the truth about what he watched and where he saw it. Instead, I think we should just enforce stricter rules about play dates (limited to our house or a neutral place, like a park), and let Edgar continue to lose interest in Gus on his own. (Gus is not his only friend, nor is he his favorite. I am also uncertain about what to discuss with the other mother. While I want to be direct, I also don’t want Edgar to be in a situation where his friends would make fun of him for being afraid (of something he has every right to be scared of!). Gus is another person about whom I worry. He gets so nervous whenever he comes to our house that it drives him crazy. On a sunny day, he can’t even go two feet into our garage because it’s too scary, and he had to stop playing outside at midday because the shadows in our very small, mostly suburban backyard scare him. I believe I now know what’s causing this. But should I say that or should I just concentrate on my own child?

—Children Should Not Watch Horror Movies!

To Horror, dear.

Firstly, in regards to how we should handle this friendship moving forward, I believe you are correct. Edgar must see Gus outside (under your supervision) or at your house if he insists on seeing him. Furthermore, I believe that Edgar should arrange all play dates; that is, if Gus’s mother calls to arrange one, or if Gus rushes up to you at pickup time, asking to come home with you today, and Edgar isn’t likewise begging for this, you should respectfully decline. If someone asks to join you for something, like grocery shopping or time spent at home with your mother, you can refuse and point to prior arrangements you’ve made. You set up a time to spend time with Gus when Edgar requests it, keeping the rules in place.

I share your concerns regarding Gus. I believe the parent of this child is falling short. It’s quite difficult, though. You would have to proceed extremely cautiously, since Gus’s anxiety and other issues are most likely more complicated than just a reaction to this exposure, and being careless about what content her 8-year-old consumes is unlikely to be the only problem (my guess is it’s the tip of the iceberg). Receiving criticism that they are not raising their child properly bothers no parent. Even though you may never explicitly state it, Gus’s mother is likely to take offense and possibly even take it out on her problematic child, even if she eventually discovers that you don’t want your child left in her care.

If there is a school nurse or counselor on staff, ask them to keep a watch on Gus in a discreet conversation with the kids’ teacher. As far as his mother is concerned, the most I could do at this point is say (as if in passing) that you were surprised the kids were allowed to watch that movie and that the kinds of movies your child usually watches are [whatever they are]. Take a look at her words. You might even go so far as to ask, “Doesn’t Gus find this stuff pretty scary? I know I do!” At the very least, this may give her something to think about (even if she says, defensively, in the moment, “Nah, he likes it”). She might tell you you’re being overly protective, or she might shrug and ask, “Why are we having this stupid conversation?” Or, (my faint hope), she might ask you why you’re surprised and why you shield your child from stuff like this. However, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to discuss Gus’s worries and anxieties, or her parenting style, with her. As you look out for your own child, I commend you for not wanting this one to get lost. But proceed with caution so as not to exacerbate his situation.

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Kindly, Feeding and Care.

Our three grown-up children are here. One is prosperous and has been living away from the home for a long time. The youngest has joined the military after graduating from high school. Our middle kid is the issue. He is competent, intelligent, and enjoyable to be around, but he gives up easily when things get tough or don’t go his way right away. He seldom stays at one place of employment for more than a few months, and when he does, it’s usually because of a cruel boss or uncooperative coworkers. He did well enough on the military placement exam to land his “dream job,” but he left before boot camp was over. He claimed it was going well when he found a fantastic opportunity to become an apprentice electrician, but he was later fired for not meeting expectations. He is running out of opportunities (of which he has had many) because he keeps making poor choices and won’t put in the effort to secure his future.

He seeks advice from us and his older sibling, which he then disregards. He sees the lifestyle that I and others have attained, but he is blind to the fact that what he sees is the fruit of a lifetime of hard work, filled with many obstacles and setbacks. While some of this may be the folly of youth, I worry that he doesn’t learn from his mistakes and that this is just who he is and always will be. I want to give him some “tough love” (i.e., tell him I’m disappointed in him). G. refuse to let him move in when things don’t work out once more), but he recently experienced a mental breakdown and almost overdosed on medication. The fact that I am dealing with some personal issues of my own and simply do not have the time or resources to handle his problems in addition doesn’t help. Ideas?

A parent of a challenging middle child.

Hi, Difficult.

I know what you want it to accomplish: You want him to “realize” the error of his ways, clean up his act, and be more like his siblings—and you want to be freed from the burden of worrying about him and helping him. What do you think it would accomplish to let your struggling grown child know that you’re disappointed in him? Your child who recently had a “breakdown” and a suicide attempt? The former is definitely not going to happen through “tough love”—in fact, telling him that he’s a disappointment to you sounds like the “tough” without the “love” anyway—and the latter? Well, in my opinion, a parent’s duty to the child they brought into the world never ends. ( ).

It’s not intentional for your middle child to be challenging. There’s a problem. The pattern you describe is not indicative of foolishness or laziness, or whatever other explanation you may have, but rather of mental illness. He is in need. He undoubtedly needs counseling and may require medication. Advise him of that. Try to convince him to visit a mental health professional by yourself, his siblings, or anyone else he trusts. The first person to see should be a psychiatrist; he needs to be assessed for anxiety, depression, ADHD, and other conditions. And he needs your love, not your disillusionment; your empathy, not your comparisons to his elder and younger siblings; your best self, not your tough self. I sincerely apologize that you’re facing personal struggles. You still care about your son despite them, though. Identify the bandwidth.

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Kindly take care of yourself and feed yourself.

“Cody,” my eight-year-old son, is just beginning second grade. Since he has always behaved himself, I was taken aback when his teacher called to discuss some worries she had. They had to stand up and share with the class an assignment that required them to read or do something they had done over the summer. Cody discussed some comic books that he had found in the attic, where we had long since kept them, from my husband’s collection.

We were aware that he had located and perused some of his father’s comic books, but it seems the teacher inquired about any characters he found especially appealing and why, and Cody’s pick was one of the antagonists. Although he was aware that he was “not supposed to root for the bad guys,” he claimed that this one had the best lines. The teacher was so disturbed by one of his quotes that he then read aloud to her: “Cocaine is my god, and I am a human instrument of its will.”. Cody boldly said that cocaine was a white power that Snowflame breathed in to activate his superpowers in response to a question from one of the other children. I told the teacher that we didn’t know those comics contained any offensive content and that we don’t use drugs at home (she asked!). I’m not sure what kind of conversations we should be having with our son, but my husband is going to conduct a thorough inventory and make sure he can’t get into anything else that ist appropriate for his age. Let’s start there, I suppose. I don’t even think he fully understands that cocaine is a dangerous and prohibited substance. However, I’m not sure how to advise him on what subjects are suitable to discuss in public in that manner.

Drawing the Barn Door Close.

To Barn Door, Greetings.

This seems like a storm in a teapot. I don’t think this episode is big deal at all, but the teacher was being cautious and called to inquire about drug use at home (though would you have been likely to confess if you and your husband were a couple of cokeheads?). She also informed you that he had said something concerning to her regarding the media he was consuming. Yes, please explain to him what cocaine is. Why did his teacher find it concerning? That being said, I wouldn’t emphasize how inappropriate it is to discuss certain topics. That would only serve to increase his secrecy. Furthermore, it is a significant burden to place on an 8-year-old to decide what topics are appropriate for public conversation and what are not. So please proceed as you please.

Greetings, Feeding and Care.

My two wonderful, well-behaved children, a boy, age 10, and a girl, age 14, spend half of their time living with me. We have a two-bedroom apartment, and my daughter has been complaining more and more lately about having to share a room with her brother. I completely understand her concerns about wanting more privacy, feeling awkward sharing a room with a sibling of the opposite sex at her age, and finding it difficult to study at her desk at night.

But she understands that we can’t move into a three-bedroom because of my current financial circumstances. Their room isn’t large enough for half of it to be sufficient for either of them, so we considered putting in a privacy curtain. Although it doesn’t make up for the sleeping arrangements, she is permitted to spend some alone time in my room in the evenings before bed. She’s been on the edge of tears for the past few nights. She’s been asked to sleep in the living room or in her mother’s room at her house, and I can’t stand to see her in such misery. Is it fair to keep her waiting a few more years? Is there a cheaper neighborhood in the city, away from their school, where I could afford a three-bedroom? Do I let her spend every night at her mother’s house?

This place is starting to feel claustrophobic.

Greetings, Claustrophobic.

For heaven’s sake, give her the living room and stop having a living room (or divide it, if it’s large enough, giving her the larger section and keeping the smaller portion for the three of you to hang out in) or, better yet, start sleeping in the living room (move the sofa you currently have and give her your room). Her desire to not share a room with her younger brother is understandable at 14 years old. Or anybody for that matter. She does require solitude, a space to herself where she can read, write, listen to music, converse on the phone, host friends in person, complete her homework, and just be. You do, in fact, desire your own personal area, as well. On the other hand, you use your apartment for personal needs, life, and space only half the time. She’ll be out of both your place and your ex’s in four years. By sacrificing something, you can give her what she needs. That is the choice that is escaping your mind.

—Michelle.

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