Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 12-year-old who lives for choir and musical theater.
She’s been taking piano lessons for four years and has never really been into it the way she is into singing.
Is it reasonable to ask that the kids play music whether they want to or not?
Plus: She “lives for” choir and musical theater, which I assume means she loves to sing and does a lot of it.
She was only 8 when she started piano lessons.
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Kindly, Feeding and Care.
Chorus and musical theater are my 12-year-old’s passions. Despite having studied piano for four years, she has never taken to the instrument as much as she does singing.
Although she enjoys playing the piano, she detests practicing. I want her to continue taking piano lessons for three reasons: 1) it’s a great supplement to the choir material; 2) we have asked both of our kids to choose and stick with a musical instrument and an organized sport or physical activity; and 3) we strongly believe in the benefits of musicianship and the necessity of practice and hard work. If she decides to pursue music as a career, she will have a head start as she already knows the piano and can read music—something they don’t study in her choir). Her principal justification for giving up the piano is that her teacher forces her to keep her fingernails shorter than she would like, which irritates me as well. She’s a tween, so that’s the only explanation I can think of—I’m sure there are others. We have given the children free reign over whether and how much participation in virtually every other extracurricular activity. Is it reasonable to demand that the kids play music whether they want to or not? Am I making my child miserable because I regret giving up the piano when I was younger?
—To Give Up or Hold on?
Greetings, Quit.
Learning to read music and play an instrument is something I strongly support for kids (I especially love the piano, which I think is a great first instrument for anyone). However, your daughter has completed four years of instruction, is proficient at reading music, and enjoys playing the piano. Additionally, I take it that she “lives for” musical theater and choir, which implies that she enjoys singing a lot. Do not forget that the voice is an instrument as well. Twelve is just about old enough to start voice lessons, and I’m betting she would jump at the chance if you wanted her to practice and work hard at something and you “believe strongly in the benefits of musicianship.”. She also promised to practice those lessons voluntarily. Your child doesn’t like sports, but if she enjoys musical theater, I can’t imagine she wouldn’t want to at least try a dance class as a physical activity. Have you thought of dancing as an option?
The key word here is “try.”. The rule to “select one sport/activity and one instrument” isn’t my favorite. Although I support both music education and a variety of opportunities for physical activity, I find the whole “pick one” and stick with it approach to be oppressive. She is twelve years old. When she began taking piano lessons, she was just 8 years old. Whatever the reason she may have for wanting to stop the lessons now (which, come to think of it, is the same age I was when I stopped, and I started before I was six—and around the same age my kid was when she quit—and both of us can still read music very well today) if she’s not enjoying the piano lessons, the only thing that will happen if you force her to keep going is that she will come to despise the instrument. Avoid doing it. All of this requires some flexibility, so don’t let your adult-sized regret about giving up the piano when you were a child control you when it comes to your own child. Maybe choir and musical theater are plenty for her right now, and what’s wrong with trying something and then finding out it’s not a good fit? She is kept quite busy if she is singing, acting, attending school every day, or otherwise using her body to move—on the playground, on a trampoline, etc.
I detest to inform you that not everyone enjoys competition, but there are many things one can practice and become better at (I’ve always hated any kind of competition). Take your child’s lead. It’s too early to worry about whether she might choose to pursue a career in “music,” by the way. If she does, she will have plenty of opportunity to put her early piano lessons behind her. They’re not leaving, particularly if you don’t make her give up on playing the instrument she adores.
—Michelle.
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